So I read this article on Huffington Post: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Cookbook Event Did Not Go So Well For The Other Authors. First of all HuffPo, who in the heck makes up your headlines? Seriously. Second of all, can I just say, I think Gwyneth is a giant douchebag. I don’t know why. I have never met her and I like several of her movies but there is just something about her that screams DOUCHEBAG!!!! She just strikes me as the type of chick that if I complimented her handbag would say something really nice like “Oh thank you, I really like yours too,” while she was laughing to herself about how tacky it is and texting her other Gwyneth-esq friends about the American making small talk with her. For the record, my handbag really is tacky because I love me some tacky purses…..mmmmmkayyyyyy, see check it out:
Yes, the inside really is leopard print…suck it!
Anyway, back to Gwynnie. In the article there is an interactive about some of the pretentious stuff she’s said over the years and it makes me dislike her all the more. I don’t care that she is rich and famous, she’s earned every penny and she’s paid her dues like all children of famous and influential parents (SNARK FOR YOU SNARKBLIND FOLK), so it’s more about the disingenuousness of it. Seriously, she would rather die than let her kid eat cup of soup? Look bitch, cup of soup is delicious! Yeah it’s got a lot of crap in it but guess what? So do you and it stinks like everyone else’s. Shut up.
I have some Gwynnies in my life too. A few I have had to block on my FaceBook because their posts were sooooooooooooo annoying. It is as if someone wrote a book…maybe Gwynnie herself, on how to be a pretentious whore and passed it out and I didn’t get a copy. Kathy Lee Gifford, back in the 80’s and 90’s was like the Godmother of pretentious crap, but she pulled it out and now I love watching her down wine on the Today show. She and I really need to go get drunk together. Kathy if you are reading this, have your people call my people. And by people, I mean me, because I am poor as hell and don’t have people, but we will plan something.
Back to Gwynnie though, you know that chick would have corrected me a dozen times by now about calling her Gwynnie. She would have grabbed her glass of organic wine with both hands, smiled a saccharin sweet smile and batted her eyes while she said “Actually…..it’s Gweneth….” all the while emphasizing the “neth”. At which point I would probably counter with “Oh sorry….it’s just such a stupid ass name I figured you would appreciate forgetting it for a minute…” but then I was raised by wolves in a barn in the swamp and don’t really do well in social gatherings where ORGANIC wine is served. I can do shots and keg stands like ballbusters though, (yes, I know it’s gangbusters, I got it wrong on purpose).
I am just waiting on the day she goes on Iyanla Fix My Life, and we see her doing a reenactment of Chris Martin walking around in black pantyhose and stilettos and her crouched in the bathroom eating Xanax and washing it down with Yoohoo in the can. And you just know we are going to get there one day. You know what I’m going to eat while I’m watching that? Cup of Soup BITCHES!!!!