Men, Burgers and Relationship Advice

People can accuse me of a lot of things in life, but I will assure you, being a snob is not one of them. I find all people fascinating, some for all the wrong reasons, but fascinating nonetheless. As a result I have accumulated people from all walks of life, experiences and rungs on the socio-economic ladder. This menagerie of people mixes themselves into a very schizophrenic soup on my Facebook news feed. In the course of an hour I can read quotes from Buddha, Gandhi, Eminem and Honey Boo Boo (is she still around?), see videos of current events, tractor pulls and LOL cats, forwards warning me about the National Reserve removing “In God We Trust” from a quarter, pictures of horribly mangled children telling me it will all get fixed if I just click “like”, and endless game requests. But nothing compares to the posts directly from the author’s voice. These are among my favorite and my most frustrating.

Most frustrating of all are the relationship posts. Especially the ones from full grown little girls (and some men), lamenting on how wrong this guy has done them and that guy has done them.  Now I may not be a trained relationship expert, but a Facebook page is a lot like a Psych exam. Looking back over some of their respective pages, it’s pretty obvious what the problem is….you can’t align what you want, and what you think you want. Until that happens, you will never be happy.

To illustrate what I mean, indulge me in an example.  Suppose you are sitting around your house just relaxing and you are suddenly attacked by a craving. You are hungry, but you aren’t exactly sure what you are hungry for. You go to fridge, nothing looks appetizing. You look around in your cabinets, nothing looks appetizing there either, so you go sit back on the couch. You are still hungry so you get back up and go back to the fridge. You take a few bites of some leftover takeout….no, that’s not what you want. You go to the cabinet again and grab a handful of dry cereal….no. So now you resolve yourself that you are just going to have to go out and grab something, but you still aren’t sure what. Well, you think, maybe I’ll figure it out while I’m getting dressed. You get dressed and you still aren’t sure. Maybe you’ll figure it out while you are in the car, you think. You drive all the way into town and you still don’t know.  Well, I’ll drive around and maybe I’ll know when I see the sign, you think. You drive around for a little while and it still doesn’t come to you. You finally realize you want a big, juicy burger so you pull into McDonald’s. As you dig in, you realize the burger isn’t all that big, and tastes a little flat, but it’s what you wanted right? Then you pass by the little hole in the wall diner that has the types of burgers you really wanted and you get mad at your Big Mac for not being the diner burger. They are both burgers aren’t they? But they are miles apart and you went for the surface criteria instead of what was really going on under the bun.

Now let’s put that in context. There will come a day when you are sitting around your house watching some Lifetime movie and you will realize you are tired of watching that tv alone. So you will get up, look around your social group and think that’s not really what you want, then you will look at some exes, and you might even give one a second chance, but realize it was better the first go around and you break up with people for a reason. You might actually try a few that are easy and not that long lasting until you realize you need to actually get out of the house and go looking. You will see a lot of people that look good, and at any other time you would probably be happy with, but just don’t fit you right now. Then you will come up with what you think you want, and think your searching and worrying is over and pull into the first guy that fits that criteria. But I’m here to tell you, when you come up with what it is you think you want, you still need to take a step back and finish the list of what you REALLY want. You also have to give up on expecting that Big Mac dude to be the diner dude just because they are both burgers. You can’t want the bad boy and then be mad because he is a bad boy. What you really want is the bad boy that holds down a job, pays bills and will rub your feet when you are tired….but honey that doesn’t always exist. You can’t go searching for that thug that calls women “bitches” as if it’s just another part of his vocabulary and then get mad because he treats you like a bitch. Grow up honey, that’s not how the world works. Grow up even more and stop blaming others for your poor choices. Go sit back down on your couch for a little while and work out what you REALLY want before you even get in the car to go find it.



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