Monthly Archives: January 2014

Facebook Makes Me Hate You

Strike me up as the latest convert to the church of the bloom has faded from the Facebook rose. I realized this over the holidays where checking in and just posting something as innocuous as “Merry Christmas” sort of filled me with dread. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to wish my friends and family (and couple hundred acquaintances) a Merry Christmas, I just didn’t want to have to read one more post about how it’s “not Happy Holidays, it’s Merry Christmas”, or feel I would alienate one group of friends over the other if I dared mention anything about for or against The Duck Commander. I don’t even watch that show! And I didn’t know what was going to be worse, reading the intellectual indignation of my atheist friends about the birth of Jesus, or the religious grandiosity of the Good Christian Bitches who wanted me to know they had milled their own flour to bake a birthday cake for the baby Jesus, and decorated their whole house in Spode Christmas Tree china, sang in the Living Christmas Tree and donated their Christmas bonus to their African child in Ethiopia, all because they loved being a mommy. I legitimately, did not want to log on to my Facebook account long enough to type out “Merry Christmas”, and I type relatively fast.

I thought it must have been the pressures of the holidays getting to me and making me feel like a cyber Scrooge, so I typed it out and logged off and figured I would get back to normal after the holidays. So today, when I finally decided to spend more than a minute checking my notifications, and actually spent time catching up with my friends, I realized a lot of them are really assholes. Yes, it does make me feel bad thinking this about my friends, but considering some of the insufferable crap I see posted, I wonder what I ever saw in these people, AND why their parents didn’t do a better job with raising them? For example:

Bi-Polar Betty

This person posts 12 times a day in short cryptic messages and alternates being angry, blissful, sad, zen, confused, furious, hopeless…lather, rinse, repeat. Betty never gives you enough information to really go on and considering she posts every hour, you can only imagine how long it takes for this chick to go through the cycle of emotions. I don’t really even want to say hello to her if I see her in the parking lot somewhere for fear of pissing her off or making her want to go slit her wrists. Seriously, it’s not that serious.

Delete My Account Dan

Ok, constantly posting you are going to delete your account if more people don’t respond to you is dripping with desperation and a huge mega dose of immaturity. Are you really threatening people you are deleting your account because not enough people liked your status? Are you really? I just have nothing to say to this. I’m a writer and I have no words.

Desperate Diana

OK, we get it…some guy broke your heart. Most people deal with that by eating large portions of ice cream and trolling his Facebook account (or so I’ve heard…my last break up happened before Facebook).  Diana chooses to deal with her breakup by posting how real men should treat their women. I find these posts relatively amusing in small doses, but after a while I have to really stop myself from shooting off a quick email telling them they don’t have the first idea about a real relationship if those cute little memes are any indication. I also want to tell Desperate Diana to have some fucking pride for Christ sake. You also can’t post what dogs men are, how you are such a good woman and deserve the best and then continue to go out with the idiots you date. I give the Dianas of the world a little bit of the benefit of the doubt because they are young, but they are seriously in danger of turning into….

Immature Imogen

This is the person old enough to have grandchildren and still having the same issues with men she had in high school.  You would actually think she was a high school student if you condensed all of her posts and took out the ones that referenced her children.  I really hope she recognizes herself when she reads this blog entry and will take this under advisement: if he is really wants to be with you, he will find a way to be with you. That’s it. That’s the best advice I have.  Please believe that. You don’t have to keep making an excuse as to why he has not called or why he has cancelled the last 12 dates. Now, you have children more mature than you, get over it or get some therapy.

Political Paul

Oh God. You know what, get your politics from causes you believe in and have researched and have thoughtfully concluded were right or wrong, don’t just regurgitate what a celebrity has said. If Matt Damon wanted to teach me something about acting, or screenwriting, I would do well to listen, but he can just save the political bullshit. Additionally, John Stewart and Steve Colbert are comedians/actors, and I’m not exactly sure what the Duck Commander does, but I don’t care! Try reading something besides meme forwards and form your own opinions!

Perfect Polly

Everytime Polly posts, she sounds as if blue birds land on her shoulder while she simultaneously irons her choir robe, writes thank you notes on engraved stationary, bakes cupcakes for the bake sale and redecorates her basement.  Meanwhile, I know for a fact everything isn’t so pristine in that fairytale and I have to hold back a lot.

Cooler Online Carl

Carl is the type that would have a rat carcass floating in his soup and not send it back, but something about the protection of cyberspace turns him full on gangsta! He argues with everyone, posts controversial rants and generally acts like you imagine he would act if he was a mean drunk. I wonder if it’s hard to be a badass when you are probably covered in cats and wearing an N’Sync tour t-shirt.

Naughty Nadia

Naughty Nadia will find a way to make everything sexual. She never really posts that much about her life, or what’s she’s doing unless it involves sex. She tries to find a way around it by posting it as if she is talking to her flavor of the week, but someone really should tell her the difference in a public status and a private message. I finally blocked her status updates because I always felt like I needed a shower and not in a good way. I actually feel like I should be paying her $2.99 a minute to read her Facebook.

It’s not a surprise that Facebook is named in most divorces these days. As we move into an increasingly solitary society, Facebook has become the new community center or town square, but we are failing at remembering some of the rules of social interaction because there is the safety of being at home typing instead of face to face time. I wager most people wouldn’t act the way the do even on a Google hangout where people could see them in real-time. This really should change. Lets go back to our old-fashioned home training and actually behave on Facebook for a change because I really would like to go back to thinking my friends are just as awesome in private.