What I Wish I Could Tell Young Girls

My cousin and i were talking earlier today about what we wish we could tell some younger women, and, come to think of it, some older women too. This conversation came about after we began reminiscing about our party days and the fact that she now has an 11 year old daughter who will soon begin giving her panic attacks as she reaches the dreaded teen years. After we hung up, I continued to think on this conversation and this post was born. My top list of things I wish I could tell young girls to help them as they navigate growing up and relating to the world. Even though, inside, I know they would roll their eyes at me and I’d have to kill them.

1. You don’t have to try so hard. Seriously, you don’t. I know it may seem like you are the only girl in the world not attracting attention from boys but be patient, it WILL happen if you don’t start sweating desperation from every pore. Whats that? You have never seen someone sweat actual desperation? Sure you have. It’s the girl wearing excessive make up, talking loud, getting henna tattoos and trying to convince everyone it’s real, piercing her tongue/navel/clit/whatever else they will pierce just because it pisses off her parents and she hopes a guy will notice, dying her hair every color of the rainbow, talking about sex to everyone that will listen, or worse – having a heart ache every day of the week because she thinks someone will sweep in and be her knight in shining armor. I went to school with a girl who would casually drop into conversation with people that she was pregnant. She got careless and announced it to the same person twice in six months who then asked her what happened to the baby she should be having by now. She only hoped word would get out that she put out and it just never did. She ended up spending a lot of nights at home on the weekend because she sweated desperation. If you want to pierce something or get tattooed or dye your hair the color of the rainbow, 1, wait until you are old enough and 2, do it because YOU want to, not because you are trying to get some guy’s attention. I swear if you brush your teeth and hair and shower on the regular, you will do just fine. You don’t have to be a caricature.

2. Stop thinking you are in a relationship just because you went out once. Seriously, it was probably just hanging out or going to someone’s party together and that does not mean you are a couple. You don’t have to stop talking to every other boy in school, and he doesn’t have to stop even looking at other girls just because you go out once. This leads you down a path that doesn’t end well. You will believe you are a committed couple and he might want to test other waters. Don’t go throwing yourself into a couplehood when you don’t even know how to be yourself yet.

3. Just because you can button it, doesn’t mean it fits. I can not stress this enough. Take a look at Peopleofwalmart.com if you don’t believe me. Sometimes the nicest thing you can do for yourself is admit you may be a size 2 on the inside, but your ass is a size 10. I speak from personal experience. Get clothes that fit and you will look a whole lot better.

4. Women in Fashion Magazines are styled by people who hate women and are probably sexually attracted to other men. Men do not have curves, YOU DO. Embrace them because men who do not work in the fashion industry like curves. This leads me to:

5. Find a gay male friend. Trust me. He will tell you your ass is too big for those jeans and your eyeliner looks slutty. Your girlfriends will never do that. As a matter of fact, they will tell you you look fantastic in those jeans and you should put on MORE eyeliner because then they get to be the better looking friend. Women can be bitches, but see number 7. This leads me to:

6. Don’t ever get drunk and tell your gay friend “Why can’t you just be straight????”  Gee I don’t know, why can’t you just have a dick? It doesn’t work that way. You and your gay male friend would never work out because if he did tell you your ass was fat you would cry for a month and eat a lot of ice cream. Appreciate your best gay and one day maybe he will introduce you to his awesome straight brother.

7. Women can be bitches, but you need them in your life so protect the sisterhood at all costs. Don’t mess around with a married/committed guy. Don’t date your friend’s ex. Don’t trash your best friend’s choices behind her back. This will be hard because there will be a never ending supply of women willing to do this to you, but you have to be strong. One day you will pick up the phone and call up a girlfriend you hadn’t spoken to in years and it will be like no time has gone by and you will wonder how you lived without her for so long.

8. You can have twice as much fun on half as much alcohol. Plus you will make better decisions if you aren’t as drunk, and you will look and feel a lot better in the morning. Another thing, you are not a boy, you can’t out drink a man. Sorry, you metabolism is different and you can’t. If you even come close then check into rehab immediately. I remember a girl who made the same club circuit I did at one time that would always have a beer in each hand. She always acted like she was out for a chugging contest with the boys and to this day I can picture her in my mind. To this day, she remains a  mascot for sadness and desperation.

9. Not everyone is in on your joke. If the only way you can get attention is to make fun of someone else, maybe you should spend some time alone thinking about yourself and who you really want to be.

10. Moisturize. Seriously, just do it.


One thought on “What I Wish I Could Tell Young Girls

  1. As your husband, allow me to add a slight point, already covered by you, but may lend the appropriate “oomph”. Young ladies, dear girls ranging from ages 13 to 17/18…as a straight, happily married male that was a teenaged boy…. FOR THE LUVVA GOD, YOU ARE NOT A DAMN RACCOON! And by this I mean… enough with the effin eyeshadow. Let me be blunt, it does not make you look alluring, mysterious, adult, or any other thing you ascribe to it. To a guy, it means “I’m desperate for attention, and will do anything I think it takes to get it.” You are young. You are still new, you will be interesting because of the things you know as well as face paint or displaying your wares. I promise you, the small zits you may have, whatever imperfections your mind is telling you are so huge that you must do anything to overcome them… aren’t. Guys may be trying to play it cool, but.. we belch, fart, scratch and make bad sex jokes when you aren’t around. As well, guys will… and please read this carefully… LIE! Just like girls will do.

    Since birth, straight guys ultimately have one goal, to get back to a similar (yet hopefully not of the same bloodline) place. In your pants. In her pants. In that girls pants. In the pants of every possible girl from the seventh grade on. Fortunately, at some point, boys will become men. Please do not be fooled by additive ages. Years do NOT count. What counts is the attitude, the mental age of the male involved.

    So, to boil this all down to something that may work for some of you… respect yourself. Cause if you don’t, they damn sure aren’t.

    For those of you that think what I have just said is full of shit… enjoy your four kids by 21, that single wide trailer that is 140 degrees in the shade in summer time, and that wonderful feeling you get when, rightly or wrongly, life decides that your rightful place in life at fifty is flipping burgers at hardee’s. Not McDonalds, cause there are possibilities for advancement there.

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