Monthly Archives: August 2013

Defending Miley

I had my share of wild times in my (continuing) youth, but one thing I never did is drop acid. If I had dropped acid, I’m sure it would look something akin to Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance. But no one is criticizing the aesthetic of the performance are they? No, they are criticizing the vulgarity of it. They are criticizing the desperation, the “LOOK AT ME” of the performance. Twerking and tongues and motor boating some giant ass…OH MY! Admittedly, it was a pretty disturbing performance, but my question is: did you not notice our teenage girls have been doing this on a smaller scale for years? Between Facebook, Twitter, texts, YouTube….you name it, girls are going out of their way to get attention for all the wrong reasons.

And even if they aren’t the social media types, they are dressing like prosti-tots. Recently, an aunt informed me that she had to buy clothes for her pre-teen daughter in the women’s petite section of a major upscale department store, because the clothes in juniors was just too revealing and sexualized. Let the irony of that just seep in for a minute: the juniors clothes were sleazier than the clothes for grown ass women! In Wal-Mart the other day, I passed by a display of matching lacy training bras and panties. Do you know what my training bra looked like? It looked like my grandmother’s handkerchief and a hefty bag mated and my bra got the worst from both. Why on earth does a pre-pubescent child need grown up looking underwear?

I am, at my very core, a feminist, but there has come a point where we have to just step back and ask ourselves if we are doing ourselves an injustice by allowing girls to flaunt their sexuality in so brazen of a way? Are we not doing an injustice to the girls AND putting them in harms way at the same time?  Indignation and the knowledge that no means no is little comfort when the act has been committed. Our brazen sexuality is moving ahead faster than the laws meant to protect us. Look at the girl gang raped by the football players in Ohio. Without Anonymous, these boys never would have gone to trial because there are still people out there who think if you act like a whore, you get treated like one.  I am, by no means, a prude. I fully support the idea that a woman can have a healthy and fulfilling sex life, can express her sexuality without feeling criticized, and should not feel she is damaged goods if she doesn’t marry the only man she’s slept with. But we give that advice and stop. Where is the continued advice that every aspect of our sexuality isn’t meant to be shared WITH THE WORLD. Where is the advice that sex should be used to draw you closer to someone you are already close with, not as a tool to get them to look at you and like you? There should be a reasonable pay off and we should think we are more valuable than that. We spend a great deal of time talking about birth control with our daughters, but we forget to mention there isn’t a pill to stop us from feeling like shit if we are having sex for all the wrong reasons. Sure we can have sex “Just because we want to”, but is that what it is? Is it really because you want to or is it because you think it is what is expected? Are you really wearing that outfit because it makes you feel confident or is it because you think you will get more attention?  We can’t complain that the men in our lives only want one thing when that’s the only part of ourselves we are showing the world.

Miley acted like a fool because she wanted to shock people. Her celebrity is falling, she has an album coming out and she needs to sell some music, and maybe financially, her performance will pay off, but it will come at a very high cost. We need to start asking our daughters if how they are behaving is worth it to them and find a way to find fulfillment with ourselves.

We can continue to criticize Miley’s performance, but it’s only a diversion. Miley’s performance is a mirror to a much larger issue. It’s time to sweep around your own doorstep for a while.


The Gwyneth’s Of The World Can Bite My Big Snarky…

So I read this article on Huffington Post: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Cookbook Event Did Not Go So Well For The Other Authors. First of all HuffPo, who in the heck makes up your headlines? Seriously. Second of all, can I just say, I think Gwyneth is a giant douchebag. I don’t know why. I have never met her and I like several of her movies but there is just something about her that screams DOUCHEBAG!!!! She just strikes me as the type of chick that if I complimented her handbag would say something really nice like “Oh thank you, I really like yours too,” while she was laughing to herself about how tacky it is and texting her other Gwyneth-esq friends about the American making small talk with her. For the record, my handbag really is tacky because I love me some tacky purses…..mmmmmkayyyyyy, see check it out:


Yes, the inside really is leopard print…suck it!

Anyway, back to Gwynnie. In the article there is an interactive about some of the pretentious stuff she’s said over the years and it makes me dislike her all the more. I don’t care that she is rich and famous, she’s earned every penny and she’s paid her dues like all children of famous and influential parents (SNARK FOR YOU SNARKBLIND FOLK), so it’s more about the disingenuousness of it. Seriously, she would rather die than let her kid eat cup of soup? Look bitch, cup of soup is delicious! Yeah it’s got a lot of crap in it but guess what? So do you and it stinks like everyone else’s. Shut up.

I have some Gwynnies in my life too. A few I have had to block on my FaceBook because their posts were sooooooooooooo annoying. It is as if someone wrote a book…maybe Gwynnie herself, on how to be a pretentious whore and passed it out and I didn’t get a copy. Kathy Lee Gifford, back in the 80’s and 90’s was like the Godmother of pretentious crap, but she pulled it out and now I love watching her down wine on the Today show. She and I really need to go get drunk together. Kathy if you are reading this, have your people call my people. And by people, I mean me, because I am poor as hell and don’t have people, but we will plan something.

Back to Gwynnie though, you know that chick would have corrected me a dozen times by now about calling her Gwynnie. She would have grabbed her glass of organic wine with both hands, smiled a saccharin sweet smile and batted her eyes while she said “Actually…’s Gweneth….” all the while emphasizing the “neth”. At which point I would probably counter with “Oh sorry….it’s just such a stupid ass name I figured you would appreciate forgetting it for a minute…”  but then I was raised by wolves in a barn in the swamp and don’t really do well in social gatherings where ORGANIC wine is served. I can do shots and keg stands like ballbusters though, (yes, I know it’s gangbusters, I got it wrong on purpose).

I am just waiting on the day she goes on Iyanla Fix My Life, and we see her doing a reenactment of Chris Martin walking around in black pantyhose and stilettos and her crouched in the bathroom eating Xanax and washing it down with Yoohoo in the can. And you just know we are going to get there one day. You know what I’m going to eat while I’m watching that? Cup of Soup BITCHES!!!!


First Time Pregnancy Swears Are Not Binding, But I Have To Tell My Son About Sex Anyway

By swears, I mean those things we swear we aren’t going to do when we become parents. For example: “I swear I’m never going to use that sad line ‘because I said so’ with my child”, “I swear I will create an open and honest dialogue with my child about sex,” “I swear I will do all those good things I see on Pinterest so that my home runs as smoothly as possible,” “I swear I will always dress my baby in the latest fashion and wouldn’t dream of putting him/her in something from wal-mart”.  Yeah, rave on dumbass.

Oh, it’s ok, you don’t mean to be a dumbass, you just don’t know any better yet and you are so full of hormones you couldn’t figure it out anyway. You see, I did the same thing and so did a lot of my friends and family. We all swore the same stuff. Guess what, it never works out. You can try to keep it up for a while and then poof! One day you will have every bodily fluid that baby is capable of producing on your shirt and possibly in your hair and you will not care what you promised and swore when you were pregnant. This will be a very bad day, but it’s one we all have to go through. The good thing is you will go whole hog into giving yourself a break. It is a very liberating day.  You will realize the little 3 for $10 onesie your grandma gave you from Wal-mart is actually pretty comfy for your little bundle and as long as he/she is comfortable you will get an extra few minutes of rest. You will realize people only pin things on Pinterest…you never see people who actually DO all that shit. After you have a kid, your whole idea of structure flies out of the window and you have to reassess what actually constitutes clean and organized and it’s actually on a more fluid scale now. LOTS of things are on a more fluid scale now like: being on time, (if you get there the same day it counts as on time), good food (if it’s not burned or comes in a wrapper), clean (if the Health Department hasn’t shown up yet you’re good),  romance (a quickie in the laundry room while the baby sleeps and your parents are visiting counts as a date night) and what constitues a crisis, (hint: not much).  I once came out of a Barnes and Nobel after midnight, because I was buying the last Harry Potter Book, to find my husband had wrapped a Dollar General bag around our child as a diaper and it didn’t bother me in the least. I thought it was pretty inventive actually. We found a 24 hour CVS and the crisis was averted so there was no foul.

This isn’t to say I am some paragon of parenting virtue however. No, quite the opposite. I have had to keep one of my swears because I just can’t get out of it. I swore I would keep an open dialogue with my child about sex. I figure I couldn’t allow myself the luxury of hiding my head in the sand in this day and age because it could be a matter of life and death. So a few months ago when my son started using the S word a lot, I sat down and asked him if he knew what sex was. My heart caught in my throat while he mulled it over and thankfully started back when he announce he did not. I asked him if he had any questions about sex and wanted to be swallowed up by the earth when he did.  Thankfully, I got over it and I think he and I are well on our way to having that open dialogue. At least for now. He is 7 and I realize he may be fine discussing things in the age appropriate ways that he and I discuss them, but one day his questions may be a little more R rated and Dad will have to take over, so for now I hope I’m just laying the foundation. It gets tough, though, like this morning when he asked me “Mama can I ask you something private?” It was a pretty easy one…..NOT!!!! This morning he asked me if I thought he would ever get to have sex. In my mind I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! DON’T EVER HAVE SEX BECAUSE GIRLS ARE EVIL AND WILL RIP YOUR HEART OUT OF YOUR CHEST AND FEAST ON IT FOR THEIR OWN AMUSEMENT!!!!” But my mouth said “Yes. You are handsome, charming, smart, funny and genuinely like women, so yes, I think when you are old enough and mature enough, you will do just fine.” He did a fist pump and said “YEAHHHHHH!!!!” Now, I must interject here, he does not know the mechanics, but we did discuss that sex feels good when he asked why people have sex. Even though I told him it was for making babies, connecting to your spouse, communicating strong emotions and all that other committed sex stuff, but what he took away from it was it felt good.  Even though I still have to table some questions for age appropriateness, I try to answer as much as I can, and caution him that what we discuss is private and not to be shared on the playground, I just know I’m going to have a parent/teacher conference over this.

As he walked away, I pulled him back and said “Just promise me you will take it seriously, wait until you are old enough and ready and protect yourself.” I was cupping his still baby face in my hands and looking into those huge blue-green eyes and he said “Don’t worry mom, Dad gave me a pocket knife, I’ll take that because a bigger knife might scare my girlfriend.”  Off he went content. There I stood with a broken blood vessel in my eyeball from holding back the laughter. In it’s own way it was very sweet to know he was still innocent enough to think protection meant arming himself, and he didn’t want to take anything too big so as not to scare his girlfriend. I felt really immature also when I thought of all the size jokes I could make while incorporating “scare” into it. But I went on about my housework and chuckled about it the rest of the day.

Being a parent is a constant learning curve. Sometimes I’m on top of it, and sometimes I’m on the bottom of it, but the important thing is to just hold on as tight as possible because they will try to throw you off every chance they get.

“You’re Not Pretty Enough” And Other Things That Will Make Me Cut You.

So I read this little story today “You’re Not Pretty Enough”.  And as always for those of you too lazy to read the story, I will summarize:

This awesome chick Jennifer Tress had a douchebag husband who left her and told her “You’re not pretty enough” as some sort of excuse for his douchbaggery. Even though Jennifer was successful and fulfilled in life, these four little words cut her to the core, but being the awesome chick she is turned it around and created a website movement. All the links are in the story, you will have to check it out yourself. For the website she created, she did a tracking internet ninja move and found out lots of people were searching terms like “Am I pretty enough” and that’s how they were getting to her website.  So obviously, Jennifer was not the only person out there with a douchebag of a partner who had told them they were ugly. Which leads me to the very rapier thought of: Really?

Now listen up kiddos, I am about to lay some wisdom down. If you are not required by laws of public safety to cover yourself from head to toe, you are pretty enough. Period. One good thing that came out of my early days of internet access is the knowledge that there are as many flavors of attractive and sexy as there are people in the world. Trust me. Some of that crap I saw back then made me really wonder. Now here is the real truth. Most of the reason you are not finding someone who finds you pretty enough is because you are too narrow in what YOU find pretty to partner up. Lets face it, you are most likely not going to end up with a cast member of Twilight, or the model on the magazine cover. You should, however, search out the attractiveness in the people you encounter. I never went for looks when I was dating. Looks didn’t hurt, don’t get me wrong. Looks were good enough to get my attention, but rarely good enough to keep my attention. My philosophy was always: You can only look at someone for so long before you have to have an actual conversation.

Now the Snarky Bitch portion of this blog post: What the hell? Why do you let people get away with this? Why do you think it’s at all ok for someone to tell you that you aren’t pretty enough. Not just tell you that you aren’t pretty enough, but to internalize it and make you feel they are right? I’m happy this chick Jennifer turned it around and made something positive out of it, but let’s face it; her ex husband probably was no prize himself. I’m sure she did his laundry at some point and she could have countered with something like: “I only respect the opinions of someone that is smart enough to wipe their ass properly”. If you have been partnered up for any amount of time, then odds are you have witnessed the other person do some pretty ignorant shit. Part of marriage is being able to understand the ignorant shit. I love the hubs, but I’ve been left wondering what goes through his mind sometimes, as I am sure he has wondered the same about me. The point is, you shouldn’t let people who barely have themselves figured out, give you your internal dialogue.

Secondly, what does it say about someone that what they look like is enough to make you leave? They looked good enough to get your attention at one time. They also looked good enough to get you to propose, but not good enough to stay? Dude, you are a fraking idiot! Yes, I did just use Frak in a sentence.

I hate seeing this sort of relationship in real life as well. Usually it is much more subtle. You have probably seen it as well, or maybe you have participated in it. My hubs and I like to call it the “My Spouse Can Out Idiot Your Spouse” conversation people have.  And ladies, if this were an Olympic event, most of you would have gold medals. You are the worst. Get a group of you together and one of you tells a funny story about how stupid her husband is and the rest of you have to one up with a story of your own. Why do you do this? Yeah, he may be stupid but he proposed to you and you said yes, so either he was stupid to ask you, or you were more stupid to agree to it. Stop it. Husbands and boyfriends like to do it by painting their wives and girlfriends as helpless/bad drivers/ unable to understand simple mechanics. Usually it’s a story about riding around with a parking brake engaged. They also like to throw it around when it comes to money. Men, if you come home and your children are still alive, you turn on a switch and there is light, there is food in the house and clean clothes in the closet, then it is not just YOUR money. Elves didn’t do all that so sit down and shut up before you get your ass cut.

What I Wish I Could Tell Young Girls

My cousin and i were talking earlier today about what we wish we could tell some younger women, and, come to think of it, some older women too. This conversation came about after we began reminiscing about our party days and the fact that she now has an 11 year old daughter who will soon begin giving her panic attacks as she reaches the dreaded teen years. After we hung up, I continued to think on this conversation and this post was born. My top list of things I wish I could tell young girls to help them as they navigate growing up and relating to the world. Even though, inside, I know they would roll their eyes at me and I’d have to kill them.

1. You don’t have to try so hard. Seriously, you don’t. I know it may seem like you are the only girl in the world not attracting attention from boys but be patient, it WILL happen if you don’t start sweating desperation from every pore. Whats that? You have never seen someone sweat actual desperation? Sure you have. It’s the girl wearing excessive make up, talking loud, getting henna tattoos and trying to convince everyone it’s real, piercing her tongue/navel/clit/whatever else they will pierce just because it pisses off her parents and she hopes a guy will notice, dying her hair every color of the rainbow, talking about sex to everyone that will listen, or worse – having a heart ache every day of the week because she thinks someone will sweep in and be her knight in shining armor. I went to school with a girl who would casually drop into conversation with people that she was pregnant. She got careless and announced it to the same person twice in six months who then asked her what happened to the baby she should be having by now. She only hoped word would get out that she put out and it just never did. She ended up spending a lot of nights at home on the weekend because she sweated desperation. If you want to pierce something or get tattooed or dye your hair the color of the rainbow, 1, wait until you are old enough and 2, do it because YOU want to, not because you are trying to get some guy’s attention. I swear if you brush your teeth and hair and shower on the regular, you will do just fine. You don’t have to be a caricature.

2. Stop thinking you are in a relationship just because you went out once. Seriously, it was probably just hanging out or going to someone’s party together and that does not mean you are a couple. You don’t have to stop talking to every other boy in school, and he doesn’t have to stop even looking at other girls just because you go out once. This leads you down a path that doesn’t end well. You will believe you are a committed couple and he might want to test other waters. Don’t go throwing yourself into a couplehood when you don’t even know how to be yourself yet.

3. Just because you can button it, doesn’t mean it fits. I can not stress this enough. Take a look at if you don’t believe me. Sometimes the nicest thing you can do for yourself is admit you may be a size 2 on the inside, but your ass is a size 10. I speak from personal experience. Get clothes that fit and you will look a whole lot better.

4. Women in Fashion Magazines are styled by people who hate women and are probably sexually attracted to other men. Men do not have curves, YOU DO. Embrace them because men who do not work in the fashion industry like curves. This leads me to:

5. Find a gay male friend. Trust me. He will tell you your ass is too big for those jeans and your eyeliner looks slutty. Your girlfriends will never do that. As a matter of fact, they will tell you you look fantastic in those jeans and you should put on MORE eyeliner because then they get to be the better looking friend. Women can be bitches, but see number 7. This leads me to:

6. Don’t ever get drunk and tell your gay friend “Why can’t you just be straight????”  Gee I don’t know, why can’t you just have a dick? It doesn’t work that way. You and your gay male friend would never work out because if he did tell you your ass was fat you would cry for a month and eat a lot of ice cream. Appreciate your best gay and one day maybe he will introduce you to his awesome straight brother.

7. Women can be bitches, but you need them in your life so protect the sisterhood at all costs. Don’t mess around with a married/committed guy. Don’t date your friend’s ex. Don’t trash your best friend’s choices behind her back. This will be hard because there will be a never ending supply of women willing to do this to you, but you have to be strong. One day you will pick up the phone and call up a girlfriend you hadn’t spoken to in years and it will be like no time has gone by and you will wonder how you lived without her for so long.

8. You can have twice as much fun on half as much alcohol. Plus you will make better decisions if you aren’t as drunk, and you will look and feel a lot better in the morning. Another thing, you are not a boy, you can’t out drink a man. Sorry, you metabolism is different and you can’t. If you even come close then check into rehab immediately. I remember a girl who made the same club circuit I did at one time that would always have a beer in each hand. She always acted like she was out for a chugging contest with the boys and to this day I can picture her in my mind. To this day, she remains a  mascot for sadness and desperation.

9. Not everyone is in on your joke. If the only way you can get attention is to make fun of someone else, maybe you should spend some time alone thinking about yourself and who you really want to be.

10. Moisturize. Seriously, just do it.

Your kid is an idiot!

No, no need to start throwing rotten fruit and defending your little prodigy just yet, because your child really is an idiot and that’s a good thing. I just read an article on Huffington Post titled “Artist Prodigy Shorya Mahonot may be just a six year old Jackson Pollack”.  I looked at the photos of this kids work, and while they are advanced for a six year old, why are we comparing this kid to Pollack already? First of all, have you ever seen Pollack’s work? ALL six year olds paint like Pollack. Is that me discounting his greatness? No, but you have to realize Pollack is considered great for the same reason Monet and Picasso are considered great: they were groundbreaking. No one was creating work like Pollack when he came along. He is considered one of the founders of the abstract movement, like Picasso is considered the founder of cubism, Monet – Impressionism, etc. If you ever look at their work and say “My kid could paint that!”, well yes, your kid could, and in this case Mr. Mahonot’s kid did, but it is considered great because it’s groundbreaking…..not because it is necessarily great.

Maybe it’s because we see too many kids lying on couches playing video games we are desperate to suss out any inkling of greatness in them, but genius is a word that is thrown around too much lately. And you know, I get it! I have a seven year old son who is definitely above average in intelligence, but he is also the kid that sprayed Windex in the light socket, and took nut cracker too seriously and nearly ended up in the emergency room. He is smart, no doubt, but he also watched YouTube for four hours yesterday (I know, don’t judge me it was raining) and actually searched for Minecraft AND Toilet. Really. I could have made him look up something more educational, like Beethoven symphonies, but honestly, the sound of his laughter over some creative toilet humor was pretty genius. We can’t keep throwing that label on our kids. Genius cannot be denied, you don’t have to shove it down everyone’s throat. Seriously, your kid is an idiot just like everyone else’s kid and it’s ok.

Welcome to McGross, can I take your order?

So today I read this: In-Vitro Burger Taste Test .  Now for those of you too lazy to read the entire article, I will summarize: Apparently, some “smart” scientists took some stem cells and grew meat, no, not a cow as in cloning, but meat, in some petri dishes and fried it up in a hamburger. It costs $325,000 to do so. In-Vitro, in this case, is a bit of a misnomer. In-Vitro would indicate that someone took sperm from a bull, and eggs from a cow and made cow embryos in a petri dish and put said embryos in a cow. Annnnnnnnnnd, since it became a burger, they grew the beef into a full-grown cow, bashed it in the head and ground it up the old fashioned way. But in this case, they took some stem cells from a bovine embryo and grew muscle strips in petri dishes. Then ground it up and fried it up.

Ok, now from a “cruelty-free” perspective, the petri dish burger should be a better choice because they didn’t have to slaughter anything but the first embryo for the stem cells, but still…..ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I can not, for the life of me, get over the thought of growing my burger. Let m just state for the record, I am NOT anti-meat by any stretch of the imagination, and I once commented that I didn’t see the harm in horse meat, so I’m not that picky of an eater either, but ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Does this skeeve anyone else out?

I mean what is the point of growing meat in a dish here? Are we afraid we are going to run out? Are we trying to recruit vegetarians? What is the purpose and why in the hell did we spend $300k on this shit? I can’t stop thinking that this is where X-Men come from. We make some meat in a lab, some pregnant woman eats a burger and BAM! She gives birth to Wolverine. I just can’t bring myself to pour some ketchup on this science experiment. What do you think?